72 Pictures of Me

When I saw the self-portrait challenge over at The Paper Mama, I thought it would be an interesting little project to take part in.  After all, I have lots of ridiculous pictures of myself on the ole bloggy wog, but there are only a handful of good pictures of me.  This would be an opportunity to present a cute picture of myself.  After all,  the whole point of the challenge is to boost confidence and self-esteem.

Seventy-two quick clicks on Photo Booth later, I had many self-portraits to choose from.  Problem?  I didn't like one single, stinkin' one of them.   So much for self-confidence?

I huffed and called Eric to the computer to choose a picture for me.  He laughed a little bit at my expense before selecting what I consider the worst of the bunch.  (Last photo, second row.)

"Are you serious?!"  I exclaimed.  "I look like a crazy person!"
"That's what you look like, you know," he shrugged.
"Like a psycho?!"
"Kinda, yeah.  Sometimes."  He laughed and left the room.

He was teasing.  I think???

Thanks...uh...a lot...Eric.

Epic self portrait fail:

That was last night.

Tonight, I sat down at my computer and told myself to stop being a ridiculous and shallow A-hole.  I told myself I would only take one picture and just go with it.  So, here it is.  It may not be perfect, but I'm cute in my own way.

Obsessing over…

Wedding plans!  Eric and I are planning on getting hitched this summer, and I spend way too many hours on Pinterest viewing all the lovely wedding photos.  If only I could have ten weddings....then I could use all of those wonderful ideas.   Also?  Downton Abbey.  

Working on…

Being more patient.  I've been a real snap dragon recently.  There's a crabby patty in the house, and her name rhymes with Bummer.   

Thinking about…

Wedding ideas.  I have a one-track mind.  

Anticipating…

So many things!  Tax refunds, my BFFs 30th birthday bash on Saturday, summer vacation.  I know, I know...it's only February.  Awesome.  But I have so many things I want to get done around the house, and I'd like to plant tomatoes, and I'd like to play the day away with Madeline, and we're getting married....come on, June!  

Listening to…

The Romeo and Juliet audio book on my IPod because I teach freshman English, and that's how I roll, bitches!  

Eating…

Well, I've been drinking about three cups of coffee a day because we got an awesome Keurig machine for Christmas. (Thanks, Pat and Eric!)  Did you ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer sued a coffee shop and got unlimited lattes?  I'm walking around the house all hopped up on caffeine like Cosmo Kramer.  

Wishing…

Madeline could talk so she could tell me if she's getting another ear infection, or if it's just her teeth coming in, or if her tummy is bothering her.  I'm not the only crabby patty in the house, but at least she has an excuse.  Poor baby.   

Photo Magic

People who manage to get decent photographs of their toddlers must have cameras made out of miracles because every time I try to get a photograph of Madeline recently this is what happens...

I get one cute, but blurry shot.

 Then Madeline sees the camera and gets wayyyy to close to the lens.

Then she gets mad at me for not letting her grab the camera out of my hands.

 Then she gets looks at me as if I've broken her heart.

Then she throws herself upon the sofa in a fit of crying just to reinforce her point that I am the worst mother in the world.  

 Then I coax her over for snuggling, and we take some self portraits so that she can see the baby on the camera.

Then I let her press the button while I hold the camera a few times so that we get brilliant shots like this:

Then she looses interest and starts smashing Cheerios into the carpet.   

Seriously, can we discuss what this child has done to my living room floor?  

 P.S.  This is what I wanted to get a picture of in the first place.   My parents got Madeline these adorable shirts from Baby Gap.  One has a Mumma Bear reading to Baby Bear.  The other has a Dada Bear playing blocks with Baby Bear.  Perfect for a family of bears such as ourselves....

P.P.S.  Those rascals over at Top Baby Blogs have reset their numbers.  Could you please take a moment to vote for us?  All you have to do is click the box to the right that says Top Baby Blogs on it.  Then click again to prove you really are trying to vote for us.  It only takes a wee second and is free and it makes me happy because I am shallow.  Thank you!  

I Saw The Sign...with Less Ace of Base

I'm not a deeply religious person, and rationally, I don't usually believe in signs.  Yet, from time to time, I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

It's usually the kind of thing where maybe I keep seeing the same person in uncanny places.  Or a lucky number shows up on the deli ticket.  Or maybe a song you have an emotional connection to comes on the radio on route to a first date.  

Well, today I felt like the universe was trying to speak to me on my way home from work.

As I daydreamed my way through traffic, I started thinking of Ellis.  This is not unusual in and of itself because she comes to my mind on a regular basis.  What was unusual, however, were the feelings that came rushing back along with my thoughts.

Imagine seeing a really terrifying movie for the fifteenth time.  It's still probably scary, but it just doesn't have the same emotional punch it did the first or second time you saw it.  That's how my feelings toward Ellis run these days.  I'm still obviously filled with regret and sadness about losing our daughter, but for the most part, I've put those demons to bed.  My feelings are no longer fresh or raw, and when I think back to that time, it feels like I'm looking at a different life through a telescope.

Except that's not how I felt today when I sat in traffic.  For just a moment, it felt like I got punched in the stomach all over again, and it could have been two and half years ago in that hospital room right that very second.  As I said, it only lasted a moment, and then it was gone.  It was just enough to make me shake my head, and think, "Hmmm, that's odd."  

I let my mind wander to other things, but the news and commercials on the radio kept reminding me of Ellis.  Small, insignificant things that probably wouldn't even make sense to anyone else but me.  For example, there was a story about a missing baby, which reminded me of Casey Anthony, which was on the news in my hospital room the day I delivered Ellis, so the conversation I had with my mother while that news story was on TV came flooding through my mind.  

But the real kicker happened when I was stopped at a traffic light in front of Madeline's school.  I was waiting for the light to turn green, staring blankly at the large delievery truck in front of my car.  It took me a minute to even realize it, but right there, in large green lettering, printed on the back of the truck was the word, "Ellis."

It didn't say Ellis Construction or Ellis Landscaping or anything like that....just Ellis.

Now granted, Ellis is a pretty common last name, and I've often seen it attatched to company logos and the like.  But keeping in mind the context of my thoughts only ten minutes earlier, and the fact that the truck was right in front of me, and the fact that it didn't say anything but that one, huge, bold-printed word...I took it as a sign.

A sign of what?  I don't know.   It just felt like for one moment that universe was trying to speak to me.

Ever get a feeling like that?

Six Pieces of Advice for Navigating the Disgusting Aftermath of Childbirth-

When I saw that this week's Toddle Along Tuesday subject over at Growing Up Geeky was advice for moms-to-be, my mind instantly flew to the early days of Madeline's life.

I could warn future moms to treasure every moment because it really does fly by so fast.  Or, I could reassure a sleep deprived mom that eventually she will sleep again as impossible as that may seem.   Both of these things are absolutely true.  Yet, what stands out the most in my memory, are all the uncomfortable physical side effects of labour.

One:

Before packing for the hospital, go to your local drugstore and find the largest sanitary pads you can find.  Buy them in bulk.   Remember how nice it was to not get your period for nine months?  Well, Mother Nature is about to smite you with weeks upon weeks of nonstop bleeding.  Seriously, we're talking Carrie's prom type horror.  Don't worry, it will eventually stop...just in time to restart your period.

Plus, unless you have the kegal muscles of Giselle, you will pee your pants several times a day.  The gigantic sanitary pads will be useful for that situation as well.  It's been a year and half and I still wet my pants from time to time.  

Don't be afraid to raid your hospital room for their enormous sanitary pads and mesh underwear either.  Bring an extra duffel bag to the hospital specifically for this purpose.

Two:

The nurses at the birthing center took souvenir pictures of our new family as we prepared to leave the hospital.  I love that they do this, and I had really looked forward to framing that picture and placing it on my dresser.  Yet, when I saw the picture... BAM...epic double chin.  At the time, I was happy and glow-y and assumed I looked radiant.  I did not.  Practice posing for photographs in ways that will disguise your epic double chin.

Three:

Don't skimp on an investment in comfortable nursing wear like I did.  Maternity clothes will most likely no longer fit you, but neither will your pre-pregnancy clothes.  Don't even consider trying on those jeans.  They won't fit.  What further complicates things is just as your midsection shrinks, your chest decides to say, "Howdy-do!" to the world.  Picture a very deflated looking Dolly Parton.  Those puppies are going to get h.u.g.e, as hard as rocks, and they are going to leak every where.  (P.S. Breast milk stains.  A lot.)  When I had to look decent for company, or when I wanted to leave the house, I felt horribly uncomfortable in my clothes.  As soon as I got home, I basically walked around naked.  (Poor, Eric- a lactating woman knows no shame.)  Therefore, buy some cute lounge-wear clothes to get you through the first weeks of awkward body transformation.

Four:

If you deliver vaginally, you chances of having a bowel movement during labor are pretty high.  There is not much you can do about this.  Just learn to let it go.  (Ha)   Honestly, I have no idea if I did or not because Eric stayed away from that region, and I had an amazing epidural to make me blissfully unaware of my lower half.  Double Honestly, I don't want to know.  All I do know is that I worried about it quite a bit before hand, didn't give a hoot during, and only mildly give a hoot after.  Don't stress.  Everybody poops.

Five:

Don't, and I repeat, do not look at your lady bits after giving birth.  This is particularly crucial if you experienced any tearing during labor.  When I went to my six week check up, my doctor kept commenting, "Nice job.  These scars are healing really well," as he examined his handiwork.  After that, my curiosity got the better of me.  Bad idea, Summer.  Dont' do it.

Six:  

This is my most serious and important piece of advice.

Not everyone feels like an instant ball of nurturing motherly love after bringing home a baby.  I mostly felt uncomfortable, exhausted, and confused.  I spent a lot of time crying because I didn't feel like myself anymore.  It's like mourning the loss of your old self.

I worried that this meant I was horrible mother.  I worried that I didn't love my baby enough.  I worried that I would feel that way forever.  But after a few days, the fog cleared, I started crying less, and loving my baby more and more.

Feeling this way is normal.  It does not mean you are a bad mother.  Just because everyone says you should be shooting rainbows out your ears with happiness doesn't mean it actually feels that way. (I think that rumour was started by Hallmark.)  Be patient with yourself and your new role as a mother.

But while you're in the fog, please don't be afraid to ask for help.  Take a shower.  Take a nap.  Eat a sandwich.  Let someone else keep an eye on the baby for a while.  Don't feel guilty trying to be human again.

And if you're feeling really, really low, or if the fog isn't lifting after a few weeks, talk to your doctor.

For even more of my nonsensical rants, I wrote THIS POST about being a new mom when Madeline was just a few weeks old.

Maddie the Destroyer

Sometimes I'll walk into the room to find Eric on the floor playing with all of Madeline's blocks.  Madeline may not even be in the same corner of the room as Dada.  It doesn't matter to Eric if Madeline is helping or not.  He's still content playing with blocks all on his own.

Eric's favorite game is to make a gigantic block fortress, and place all of Maddie's Little People on the towers as if engaged in battle.  Sometimes it's the humans against the animals.  Sometimes it the meat eaters against the plant eaters.  When the Little People Nativity set was still out for Christmas,  Baby Jesus defended the highest tower of the fort.

But poor Dada never gets to see who wins because a force stronger than Little People always intervenes.....

Madeline The Destroyer.

As soon as she gets wind of Eric's block tower, she comes right over to ruin it.

She doesn't do it because she thinks it's a fun new game.  Oh no, she does it because for some inexplicable reason, Dada's forts really piss her off.

Gal isn't messing around when she knocks those puppies down.  She even yells, "NO!" in a frightening voice of rage as she makes sure every last block has tumbled.

Poor meat eaters defending their fort!  They didn't stand a chance against Madeline's steady hand of justice.

Our best guess to why these towers make her so mad is because she has an inferiority complex.  She is just learning how to stack blocks and could never make such a magnificent tower.  Therefore, all block forts must be destroyed.

Recently, she's even learned to be sly in her desire to destroy Eric's construction projects.  She knows that if she rushes right over, Dada will shield the blocks.  Instead, she saunters by as if she's not really interested at all.  She'll watch quietly for a few moments, search for Eric's weak spot, and then.... ATTACK!

Madeline lacks mercy.

I'd hate to see what Madeline does to the babies at daycare if they dare to build a block tower.

Earlier this week I walked into her classroom just in time to see her running over a crawling baby with a toy shopping cart.  When her teacher reprimanded her, Madeline glared at her and stuck out her bottom lip petulantly.  That's right, my kid's a bully.

Oh boy.  Toddler hood is going to be awesome!

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The Many Faces of Madeline Lee

Hmmm, what's that thing?

Oh cool, it's a camera!  I love those things so much it makes me drool!  

Dada, you had better give me that camera N.O.W because I want it!  

A little help, Mumma?  Dada won't give me the camera.  

Oh, a picture of ME?!  How flattering!  I love pictures of me.