The Best of Bayside

I watched Lifetime's drama The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story last night.  It was bad.  Really bad.  I mean I knew going into it that it was going to be just awful, but it wasn't the kind of awful I was hoping for.  Based on the way the movie was promoted, I was expecting to see the cast doing lines of cocaine off each other's bellybuttons. Instead, literally nothing happens for two hours.  There are a few scenes where alcohol is consumed, and lips are locked...but that's it.  It even has an "and they all lived happily ever after" ending, which we all know is total BS.  Sure, half of the cast members turned out fine, but the rest...Jessie ruined her career making Showgirls.  Screech made a porno.  And Lisa's face?!  What has she done to her face?!

I may, or may not have, read Dustin Diamond's tell-all book Behind the Bell on which the Lifetime movie was based, so I had pretty high hopes going into last night's viewing.  Alas, most of Diamond's allegations were either watered down, or left out of the movie altogether.  I get it.  Diamond has since admitted that most of the book was a lie, and Lifetime certainly doesn't want to get itself sued.  But what a bust!  Totally killed my Monday night...I could have been sleeping!  SLEEPING!

Anyhow...sigh...I wrote the rest of this post yesterday afternoon when I was still bubbling over with anticipation.  (What a fool I was...)  I didn't get it finished in time to post it before the movie aired because I don't have Zack Morris' ability to freeze time whenever Vivi or Madeline need me.

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Saved By The Bell was more than a cheesy, sub par Saturday morning program for the thousands of kids like me who were fans.  It was a promise.  A promise that the teen years that loomed before me were going to be freakin' epic.

Just think of the cast of characters: Zack Morris?  Hunk. A.C. Slater? Hunk. Kelly Kapowski?  Babe.  Lisa Turtle? Babe. Jessie Spano?  Smart babe. Screech?  Ridiculous, daft human being who still somehow manages to be surrounded by the most popular hunks and babes in the school.  How could high school possibly be bad?

And beyond all that, it didn't matter how many times those crazy kids crashed the principal's car, or stole the rival team's mascot, or sold calendars of half-naked, under-aged girls without their consent...Zack always got away with it.  Smooth.  So damn silky smooth.  

Of course, we all know that life turned out nothing like Saved By The Bell.  High school mostly sucks and is filled with nothing but pimply awkward teenagers who make one another miserable.  Besides, by the time I actually became a teenager, the grunge movement had wiped out the neon-tinged optimism of Bayside High.  Sure, the likes of Jordan Catalano of My So Called Life was still a hunk, but he was a moody, aloof, angst-ridden hunk who in no way resembled Zack Morris except in terms of pure bangability.

Saved By The Bell was a lie, but it was a beautiful lie.  And thanks to endless hours of syndication, it's one that has spanned generations.  Today's high school students may not know who Maya Angelou, Gandhi, or Julia Roberts are, but you can be damn sure that they know the name Zack Morris.   

Tonight, Lifetime airs its Saved by the Bell biopic based on Dustin Diamonds tell-all book Behind the Bell.  I'm not too proud to admit that I read that book, (thanks Carol) and it was just as amazingly awful as you could imagine.  I'm hoping tonight's movie can do the book justice.

In honor of this momentous event, I've been thinking of Saved by the Bell's most memorable episodes.

Here's my initial brainstorm:
I'm so excited; I'm so scared
The sprain
U2 tickets at the mall
Just Say No
Zack and Kelly break up
Zack's creepy poster of Kelly
Zack Attack dream sequence
Elvis head
Miss Bayside
Punky Brewster
Volley Ball Tournament

And here's my final ranking:

(I had to look up the actual episode titles and some of the plot synopses because I'm not completely psychotic and have other interests in life beyond Saved by the Bell.  Honest.) 

10. "Screech's Spaghetti Sauce" 

(AKA: Punky Brewster)

Screech gains fame and fortune from selling his delicious tomato sauce.  This doesn't make any sense at all because nobody wants to eat Screech's secret spaghetti sauce.  There's probably left-over robot parts and bits of pornstache in there.  Gross.  

A girl named Robin suddenly wants to date him, but we all know she's just after his spaghetti sauce fortune.  But wait!  That gold-digging little minx is non other than Punky Brewster.  That blew my mind back in elementary school.  Soleli Moon Frye...I salute you.  

9. Miss Bayside

Screech is entered in the Miss Bayside pageant as part of a bet between Zack and Slater.  Spoiler Alert: He wins.  Meanwhile, Jessie and Kelly boycott the pageant because...sexism, but eventually end up competing anyway.  In my head, I had this episode confused with the one where Kelly's face turns maroon, but I think that's the contest for homecoming queen.  There were just too many contests for these people to ruin for the rest of the student population.  

This episode perfectly captures the inner essence of each character.  Screech is a loser who talks to his homemade robot more than real people, but he still has a heart of gold.  Zack is a smooth-talking hunk with a total sleazy streak.  Slater plays the drums, wears bright neon shirts, and flexes his muscles a lot...and they are spectacular.  Jessie is a feminist. (Except for that time she became a stripper after high school.  That's where those caffeine pills will get ya, kids.) Kelly is sweet, and a total babe, but pretty much just does what people tell her to do because she's not known for her brains. Lisa doesn't care about feminism.  She likes to shop. 

8. "House Party"

(AKA: Elvis Head)

You hear the title, "House Party," and you imagine things are about to get real for the Bayside crew right?  But no. Screech's parents go out of town, so the boys decide to have a guy's night at his house.  A guy's night means they sing "Barbra Ann" in their skivvies a la Risky Business.  The girls (including nerdy Tori Spelling) catch them dancing and laugh their asses off at them because wouldn't you?  

They end up breaking Screech's mother's prized Elvis statue, and invent some elaborate scheme to raise enough money to buy a replacement.  But none of that is really important.  The "Barbra Ann" scene is what makes this episode memorable.  

Also, Screech's mother is crazy, but that's not really surprising considering her son spends all his time building robot slave armies and repeatedly hitting on Lisa even though she's told him off in a million different ways.  

7. All In the Mall

(AKA: "U2 tickets at the mall")

The gang (except Jessie "too busy pushing caffeine pills" Spano) stands in line to buy U2 tickets at the mall.  They find a box of cash which they decide to keep in order to scalp tickets. After noticing two thugs eyeing them suspiciously, they assume they've involved themselves in some serious criminal activity and freak out.  Spoiler Alert: They're on Candid Camera and end up winning U2 tickets.  

This is a classic example of a Saved by the Bell episode.  Screech is dumb and ruins their plans.  Slater and Zack are boss.  Lisa and Kelly buy shoes.  They disguise themselves as mannequins to fool the thugs. Bad behavior, like keeping money that isn't theirs, is rewarded when they are given exactly what they wanted all along.  It's just so ludicrous.  

Plus, I always liked that they camped at the mall for the night.  What really went on inside that tent?  Perhaps Lifetime can shed some light on that situation.  (It didn't...) 

6. No Hope with Dope

(AKA: Just Say No)

Rockstar Johnny Dakota decides to film an anti-drug commercial at Bayside and falls for Kelly Ka-POW-ski because, duh, babe.  The gang is pretty star struck till they catch Johnny smoking some doobies at a party and tell Mr. Belding on him like a bunch of nerdy narcs.  People with caffeine pill habits should not throw stones...

I can eyeroll my way through this episode as an adult, but I totally ate it up as a kid.  I was so proud of Kelly for not giving in to temptation.  See, kids, you don't have to do drugs to be cool!  

5. King of The Hill

(AKA: Creepy Poster of Kelly)

This early episode shows how Zack and Slater first met and focuses on their rivalry for Kelly's affections. They basically spend the entire episode pounding on their chests and doing mating dances in Kelly's line of sight. (We always knew Zack would win.  Slater's dimples are cute, but Morris has the hair of a man who always comes out on top.) 

I like the early episodes where Zack and Slater hate each other, and I never understood why Slater didn't eventually get together with Kelly.  Zack hooked up with everyone.  Every. Last. One...

However, the real reason this episode stands out in my mind is due to the life-sized poster of Kelly hanging in Zack's bedroom.  Hey, creeper...

Whatever, little Zack is still pretty adorable.  And Kelly Ka-POW-ski?!  Babe. Total babe.  

4. "Rockumentary"

(AKA: Zack Attack Dream Sequence)

Zack dreams that his band, Zack Attack, (guess who got to name the band?) makes it big.  The whole episode is presented as a documentary of the rise and fall of their fame.  Zack becomes so egotistical that he eventually leaves the group.  However, he realizes the error of his ways and makes up with his friends in time for a reunion concert.  

They sing a terrible song called "Friends Forever" that is kinda so bad that it's good.  Ya know? And yes, Zack, friends are forever, except for that time you kissed Lisa in front of Screech...or that time he kissed Jessie while she was still dating Slater...or...you know...basically any time he uses his friends to make a quick buck.  

3. Dancing to the Max 

(AKA: "The Sprain")

Ah-ha! So this was the very first episode beyond the Miss Bliss years! (Anyone else every wonder if Zack Morris really is Miss Bliss...kinda like Fight Club?)  Casey Kasem mysteriously hosts a dance contest at The Max, and surprise, surprise, the only Bayside students to enter are our limelight-hogging main characters.  Zack and Slater fight over Kelly Ka-POW-ski.  Jessie teaches Zack to dance.  Screech and Lisa end up winning after Lisa sprains her ankle and they invent a brilliantly titled dance called "the sprain."  

I like this one because Zack and Slater challenge each other to a dance-off to win Kelly as their partner.  A dance off???  Dude, only in my dreams have two gorgeous heterosexual men had a dance off over me.  Kelly Kapowski is one lucky piece of cheerleading ass.  I also vividly remember Jessie's nightmare about being too tall to date any high school boys.  She's like a caffeine-pill-addicted Alice in Wonderland.  

2. The Last Dance 

(AKA: Zack and Kelly break up)

Kelly cheats on Zack with her jerk-faced, college-boy boss, Jeff, causing her to dump preppy's ass at the dance.  

This episode broke my fourth-grade heart in a million pieces.   She sobs, "It wasn't supposed to be this way.  Not for us..." while Slater and Jessie sing "How am I supposed to live without you? Now that I've been loving you for so long..." in the background.  Tear jerker.  

Kelly, how could you?!  You two were meant to be!    And then Jeff latter gets caught cheating on Kelly, so it was all for nothing.  Jeff and his stupid face...  

1. Jessie's Song 

(AKA: I'm so excited; I'm so scared) 

Jessie becomes addicted to caffeine pills trying to maintain her status as the most pretentious ass-hat in all of Bayside.  Eventually she breaks down in Zack's arms singing, "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so scared..." and thus makes history.

If a person has somehow managed to block out all knowledge of this series, she will know about this scene nonetheless.  I still sometimes mimic Jessie after my second cup of coffee in the mornings.  But seriously, guys, addiction to caffeine pills is no laughing matter.



So there you have it.  I just spent way too much time on this.  You have no idea.

What are your most memorable episodes?