On Epics and Bedtimes

Before my brain was replaced with mushed Cheerios and the Sofia the First theme song, I was an English teacher.  Part of my job is torturing (sometimes educating) America's youth with The Odyssey.  In case it's been a while since you were an unfortunate teen, it's the story of the warrior Odysseus as he struggles to sail home from the Trojan War.  

Anyhow...I have a point.  Wait for it.  

There's one part of the story where Odysseus and his men almost make it home.  I mean, they can actually see the shores of Ithaca on the horizon.  They're this close. Their spirits soar.  They breathe a collective sigh of relief.  Many manly hugs are shared.  

Then a bunch of greedy blockheads open a bag they've been warned not to touch thinking it contains gold, when in actuality, the bag contains wind.  When it's opened, the ships are blown way off course, and their homeland is out of reach once more.  Ass hats.  

Before all is said and done, his men are killed and Odysseus has to endure a decade of hardship before reaching his goal.  

Ready for my point?  

This, friends, is what bedtime with young children is like every. single. night.  

By the end of the day, I'm tired.  The kids are tired. There's whining and crying and the throwing of tantrums from all of us.  

But, lo!  Relief is on the horizon!  

Once my little angels are safely sleeping, the world is mine.  Sweet freedom!  Mostly, I spend my time drinking wine and watching The Kardashians.  

Then something goes wrong.  Maddie has to go potty again.  Vivi cries when I put her down.  I trip over a toy on my way out the door and all hell breaks loose.  

Whatever the reason, I'm dragged back down into the trenches.  Bedtime starts all over again.  Rocking, soothing, lecturing, pleading.  The struggle is real.  

In my experience, there are five stages of bedtimes for babies and young children.

Stage One: Zero to Three Months

You will not sleep during this stage.  Actually, let me clarify.  You will sleep, but not in any way that is familiar to you.  Sleep comes in brief spurts throughout the day and night.  If you have other young children though...yeah, you probably won't sleep.  

You could try getting the baby in a routine, but there's not much point.  You are that baby's bitch.  And bitch ain't sleeping.  

Stage Two: Three to Six Months

Around this time, the bedtime routine begins.  You believe it will work.  Your zombie brain needs it to work.  It probably won't work.  But you're laying the groundwork.  

There's mostly just a lot of rocking and pacing with the baby during this stage. You begin to bounce everywhere you go...standing in line at the grocery store, talking to the neighbors, while showering...even without the baby in your arms.  

Stage Three: Six to Nine Months

This is where ish gets real because, dammit, a person can't live this way. You google the term "Ferberize."  You let the baby cry it out a few nights.  You feel guilty.  You Google "Dr. Sears."  You bounce some more.  You let her cry some more because who does this baby think she is?! 

Slowly, you gain some normalcy, but wake in a panic if the baby sleeps too long. You creep into the baby's room to make sure she's still breathing.  You wake her up.  You bounce some more.

Stage Four: Nine Months to Three Years

Things start to click.  The baby sleeps.  You sleep.  You have faith in your bedtime routine. 

Then one night it stops working.  The baby has a tooth coming in, or has learned to stand on her head, or can now throw things.  

You're Odysseus blowing helplessly across the ocean.  

You try all previous methods from all previous stages, but you're not conditioned for these marathon bedtimes anymore.  Patience runs thin.   

And just when you've managed to control the situation once more, the baby turns into a toddler who needs to use the potty, sleep in a big kid bed, and is manipulative as hell.

This stage lasts a long time.  

Stage Five: Four Years to ???

We're now in the stage with Madeline where we can say, "Sure kid, stay up all night if you want, but don't wake up your sister, and don't get out of bed.  We've washed, cuddled, and read stories.  I wash my hands of you.  Sleep tight."  

It works most of the time, and she never stays up all night.  Yesterday morning we did find her pillowcase stuffed with hair bows, books, and various stuffed animals.  Hey, at least she didn't wake her sister.  

This is where my experience ends.  I don't know what comes next.  I imagine things will shake up again around the time we buy Madeline her first cell phone.  

In the meantime, Vivi and I languish in Stage Four, unsure of my destiny, tiptoeing downstairs to drink my wine, keeping my fingers firmly crossed.