Vivi: Twenty-Seven Weeks

Eric's on vacation for the summer, we're at the beach, and I've already lost track of time.  Is it really Friday already?  Is it even June still?  What year is it?  Where we're going we don't need roads?  

Don't mind me.  I just drank a piña colada by the sea because...vacation.  I'm not a delinquent parent.  Vivi was napping in the stroller right by my side the entire time.  

Vivienne's rashy problems are consistently inconsistent.  One day her skin looks great, and the next it's a mess all over again.  I've been scouring my food journal, but fail to recognize any connections between what I'm eating and her health symptoms.  Bah humbug.

I'm still dairy free, but have become a lot less strict with the rest.  The good news is that I'm twenty pounds lighter than my pre pregnancy weight.  But then I lost five pounds last week alone and decided I was becoming obsessively ridiculous and needed to chill.  

In other news...

While at the beach, we've learned that Vivi does not like sand, waves, or sunscreen.  However, the sound of the waves crashing put her into a deep slumber on Eric's shoulder.  

Maddie and Vivi have been sharing a room for the first time while we're on vacation.  When Vivi realized Madeline was lying in bed across from her, she couldn't settle to sleep.  She just wanted to smile and screech at her big sister.  

Tonight, when Vivi started getting fussy at dinner, Maddie was able to distract her and keep her calm.  The two of them played happily at the table while we adults finished eating in peace.  They're so sweet together.  

Vivi loves chewing her toes, loves banging objects on the table, loves drinking from a cup, and loves pulling my hair.  And I love her.  

Maddie Bear Says

M: (playing with her dolls) Ariel's going potty in the shower.  

Us: Oh no!

M: (Shrug) That's just what princesses do.  

(Watching that commercial with the body builder dude dressed up as a cow.)

M:  He's got...what do you call em?...Boobs?...

M:  Mumma, guess what I have. It's round, and it's ball-y, and it's round.

Me: (Looking at the Cheerio  in her hand.) Is it a Cheerio?

M: (Pops Cheerio slowly into her mouth, eyeing me suspiciously.)

M: I want to get married two times when I'm a grownup.  

M: (Singing) Who's that burping?  I think it's Captain Hook cause he likes coughing, and he likes burping.  So he burps all the tiiiiime!  

M: Why is my castle tent so sad?

Me: It's sad?  

M: Yes.  See its miserable face.  It has a miserable mouth, and it's the most miserable thing in the whole world.  

M: (Out of nowhere.) A ghost with no head would be terrible.  

M: Vivi, you're silly and awesome like me.

Vivi: Twenty-Six Weeks

Vivi is officially six months old!  Time has gone by so quickly.  It seems like she was just a bundle of cheeks sleeping on my chest.  Then I see little babies crawling, waving, pointing, and find it incredible that they're only three or four months older than Vivienne is now.  She'll be on the move before we know it!  

Her facial rash is much better this week. I've been slathering her with vaseline several times a day.  She's quite slippery, but it does the trick. 

I'm going to start adding foods back into my diet next week.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed because we're going on vacation soon, and I'd like to be able to eat a bit more than I currently am. 

On the other hand, we've been battling the poop monster again the past few days.  At least this time I'm fairly certain this is not due to something I ate.  She's just having a hard time processing solid food.  I was feeding her pears all week, but I made the mistake of trying some banana again the other afternoon when she finished her pears and cried for more food. Poor girl.  We started back on prunes yesterday, so hopefully that helps.  

At six months, I still don't know what color Vivi's hair will be.  It's looking very strawberry blonde this week.  It glows red in the sunlight.  In dimmer light, it looks brown.  Eric was fair haired as a baby, so maybe she'll end up with his coloring.  

Her eyes are still as blue but are taking on a greenish hue.  Madeline was about a year when her eyes finally turned brown, so Vivi might follow in the same fashion.  

She can roll over, but she doesn't do it often.  There's got to be something she really wants, like the remote or a dirty diaper, for her to make the effort.  She's extremely wiggly and grabs everything in sight.  The buckles on her carseat are a current favorite of hers.  I have a feeling she'll be one of those kids who figures out how to unbuckle herself.  

Vivi loves to drink from my water glass.  She pulls it right up to her mouth and knows just what to do.  I was just eating a peach, and I had to fight her off from it.  Girl knows what she wants, and she's strong.  

She's not teething yet, but we're close.  Her gums are quite swollen, and I can almost see them below the surface.  She's not drooling much though.  I'm worried about that milestone.  Madeline had no trouble teething at all, except for buckets of drool.  Something tells me Vivi won't be so chill about the whole thing.  

She's sleeping better.  She usually nurses once and sleeps the rest of the night.  Getting her down to sleep is finally clicking too.  She's able and willing to calm herself...at least sometimes.  

Vivi is still enamored with Madeline.  She's always watching her, looking for her, smiling at her.  She laughs at all of Maddie's jokes.  She wants to play with Maddie's toys.  Nothing makes her happier than gnawing on Olaf's face on the rare occasion that Madeline shares him.   

She's intense at times, but Vivi is such a good baby.  As long as she's part of the action, she's happy.  She'll sit on my lap watching her surroundings for hours.  

I love this little nugget who has challenged us in new, unexpected ways over the past six months.  And I'm so excited to watch her grow and develop over the next six months.  I can't imagine our family without her.  

Letters to Maddie Bear: June, 2014

Dear Madeline,

You are one smart cookie.  We often have deep conversations in the car.  Today, you started asking questions about outer space. We talked about the sun, planets, comets, and galaxies.  Your questions are endless.  

"What are we called?"  You asked.  

"Earth," I replied.  

You frowned a moment.  "You mean planet Earth," you corrected before asking, "What are the other planets called?"

And then there was:

"Why is there a universe with everything in it?"  

Oh, Maddie Bear, don't we all wish we knew.  

You saw the cover of a book that illustrated the evolution of man, and you had a lot of questions about that.  

"Why did people used to be monkeys?" you asked a few days later while driving around.  Let me tell you, evolution is a very difficult concept to explain to a person with so little concept of time.  A long, long time ago to you means when Mumma was a little girl.  

You asked what people do at church so I told you that they talk about God and Jesus and how to be a good person.  So then you had a lot of questions about Jesus, which you associated vaguely with swearing.  

"Jesus Christ?"  You repeated in bewilderment.  "Why was his name Jesus Christ?"  

I think you were very surprised to find out he was a person and not just something Mumma says when she gets mad.  Sorry, Madeline.  

At any rate, you're quite the little philosopher.  

Meanwhile, all of the games you play with  your dolls involve the bad guy capturing the princess.  When I play with you, I try to capture the prince instead.  Or, I pretend that the prince falls in love with the ugly witch because secretly she's beautiful on the inside.  You are not amused by my tactics.  You're like...leave your agenda at the door, and let me play, Mumma...

It's funny to eavesdrop on your play because you narrate the game through song.  Sometimes your lyrics include lines from movies you've seen, sometimes they're things we've said, and sometimes they're completely random.  It's one big mash up.  

You're a sensitive child sometimes.  A little girl recently told you that you couldn't play on a climbing tree at a park we were visiting.  Lots of kids were on it, but every time you tried to approach, the little girl yelld at you.  

I watched for a few minutes as you tried several times to approach the tree.  You don't have a single mean bone in your body, and so you stood there, beeildered, crushed, and unsure of what to do.

 I took your hand, walked you over to the tree, and helped you climb up on the branch anyway.  I also shot the girl's father a few dirty looks as he sat there grinning at his daughter.  

 You were happy playing, but later you blinked back tears and asked why the girl was mean to you.  I tried to tell you that she was just a little girl who didn't know how to share yet.  I tried to explain that not everyone will want to be your friend, but that's okay.  There are plenty of other kids out there who would love to play with you.  Find those kids.  

You look so grownup these days.  You're long and lean with mosquito bites on your legs and freckles across your nose.  People comment on how beautiful you are everywhere we go.  This is true.  You are very beautiful.  But I hope you also know that you're smart, kind, funny, and brave.  You are the sunshine after the rain.  

I love you, sweet girl.

Love,

Mumma

Vivi: Twenty-Five Weeks

Vivi is back to her smiley self after last weekend's horribleness.  Hooray!

Her eczema disappeared last weekend while she was on her hunger strike, but by Monday afternoon, it was back.  It's been going strong ever since.  Along with the skin issues, her nose gets runny/itchy and she has difficulty sleeping.  She's also a bit wheezy.  

I've restricted my diet even further.  In addition to dairy, I haven't had any soy, eggs, wheat, or nuts for a week.  I've also ditched tomatoes, strawberries, and chocolate.  The point of elimination diets is to slowly add the restricted foods  back in to identify the allergen.  But first, her symptoms have to go away.  

It's only been a week, but there hasn't been any improvement so far.  I'm incredibly frustrated...and hungry...and maybe this has nothing to do with what we're eating. But my whining is best saved for another post at another time.  

She started prunes this week to help with her digestion.  I think they're her favorite food so far.  She eats them up!  Surprisingly, Madeline loves them too.  It's funny watching the two of them eating prunes after dinner every night.  Madeline literally clapped when I took them out of the freezer.  Okay, kiddos!

She can sit up great now.  I sit her on the floor with a variety of toys spread around her.  She loves taking blocks out of the bucket and flipping through the pages  of books.  

Vivi's starting to reciprocate cuddles.  She leans toward me when she wants to be picked up. She wraps an arm around my neck when I hug her.  She loves to hold onto my face.  She grabs my lip when she's nursing.  Sometimes she holds my cheekbone while I carry her around.   She also opens her mouth and sorta gums my cheek.  I'm not sure if this is her way of telling me she's hungry or if they're early baby kisses.  

Bedtime is still going backwards.  She's  waking to nurse more frequently than she was a month ago.  By the time Maddie was this age, she was in her own room.  I just can't see doing that with Vivi while she's still nursing so often.  Poor Madeline will never get any rest if her roommate is up every three hours.  

I started her on a sippy cup this week, and she likes it better than a bottle.  Every time she sees me with a cup in my hand, she tries to wrestle it toward her mouth.  I let her have a few sips of my water, and she did well.  

Overall, Vivi is a happy, loving, demanding little bundle of awesome.  

Sisters

Love.

Okay, maybe a little too much love.

You're squishing me!  

Parenting, Currently

I know there's probably nothing, and I mean nothing, more boring than hearing a mom talk about her baby's poop.  I get that.  I do.  

But you know that amazing feeling one gets when the waitress brings a giant slice of cheesecake?  Or the bag boy calls you miss instead of m'am?  Or you get a hefty tax refund come April?  (Maybe this just applies to me?). 

All this pales in comparison to the sweet rush of euphoria I just got in discovering that Vivi finally pooped after three days of nothing but pain-inducing turd nuggets.  I mean, the poor girl has lost her voice from crying so hard and so often.  She sounds like a Lindsay Lohan baby.  It's so sad.  

And it was a real poop...with substance and style.  And it didn't make her cry.  And she smiled at us again!  

As soon as I finished putting her to bed, I scooped up that dirty diaper and brought it downstairs so I could gaze at it under the lights.  It was like Christmas morning.  Sure, it smelled like something had died, but that bad boy is going to change our lives.  It deserved its moment in the sun.  

I threw it out with a salute, washed my hands, and treated myself to two squares of ultra dark chocolate from Trader Joes cause it's dairy, soy, wheat, egg, and nut free!  

Boy, I feel ten pounds lighter.  

This is a parental love, folks...getting this excited because somebody else pooped.

And if future Vivi ever reads this and gets horribly embarrassed, I'm sorry honey, but you pooped!  Go, you!  Yay!  

Vivi's First Cold

We enjoyed the beautiful weather this weekend by rocking a very grumpy, sick baby.  Boo!  

Madeline got her first cold at three months, and being a daycare baby, she was sick quite a few times that first year.  Vivi is more isolated from germs at home, but of course, it was only a matter of time.  

And oh, was it a doozy.  Maddie always melts into a puddle of tired helplessness when she's sick.  Vivi, no surprise, did not surrender as quietly. 

Not only did she have a fever, runny nose, and watery eyes, but she also had some major tummy troubles.  For close to 24 hours, she screamed in pain every ten minutes or so trying to poop.  On top of that, she wouldn't nurse.  Also, I think she may be teething.  Fun stuff.  

Friday night she woke up at one in the morning and didn't go back to bed.  Saturday was awful.  Eric and I took turns bouncing our wailing sweet potato around the house the entire day.  I don't think she ever stopped crying for more than five minutes.  

After a call to the Peditrician, and a call to my mother, we used a suppository.  Let's just say things got real.  Very, very real.  But it worked.  Now the poor girl locks her legs every time I change her diaper. She's no fool.  

Saturday night was much better.  She started eating again, and although she woke up screaming every few hours to poop, she slept.  

Sunday started off rocky.  She refused to nurse again, and I was worried we were in for another long day.  But after a long afternoon nap, she was acting more like herself.  She smiled and played and ate!  Hoo-ray!  

She had her six-month physical this morning, and while she's not 100 percent, she's looking better.  

She's still a peanut at just under 14 lbs, but she's growing at a steady pace.  She's just a skinny little bumble, that's all.  

The doctor recommended that the next solid we introduce be prunes.  Vivi is sure in for a yummy surprise this week!  Can't wait to start stewing some delicious prunes...

Twenty-Four Weeks

Oh, Vivi...sigh.  I love this child to the moon and back.  God knows I do.  But I'm glad she's my second child otherwise  I'd be committed by now.  Cause this ish is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s...

First, the allergy issues.  They're starting to make me twitch.  I've now been dairy free for three weeks.  I keep reading accounts of babies who were miraculously cured of all ailments after their mothers gave up dairy.  After only five days, not only did their skin clear, but the babies also went on to Harvard, fixed the environment, and stared in a hit Broadway musical entitled, "How to Succeed in Life by Passing the Butter."  

Sadly, this is not the case for Vivi.  Her eczema is actually worse, and her off-off Broadway musical is called, "Milk Me, Sexy Cow."

It was looking better for a few hours yesterday morning, and I danced a few "Come to Jesus!" dances around the house.  But by last night, her face was flaming red again, AND it spread to her chest and back.  

So...not dairy?  Wheat? Eggs? Peanuts? 

And how do I know if her skin issues are actually even food related?  Maybe she just has eczema, and it doesn't matter if I eat nothing but kale and coconut water for the next six months.  Maybe it's lotion and soap. Maybe she's allergic to dust.  Maybe she's allergic to me!  

Meanwhile, she's stopped sleeping through the night.  Well, I guess some nights she sleeps for five hour stretches, which isn't too bad.  But, last night she woke up every three.  A month ago she was hitting eight to ten consistently.  What the actual hell is going on?  

The only positive change I've seen is that she poops more than once a week.  She still has reflux.  So, there's that.  

Then there's the seperation anxiety issue.  She likes very few people.  Last night Eric tried putting her to bed, and she actually cried harder every time he picked her up.  She would rather lie there angry and alone than be comforted by someone who is not Mumma.  She's so dramatic...

My poor mother stopped by this week, and Vivi screamed when she looked at her.  Not a cry.  An actual, high-pitched, man with an axe is chasing me, hysterical scream.  Every time my mom tried to wave or talk to her, she screamed.  

My theory is that my mother is the only person who has ever babysat Vivienne, so she associates her with me leaving.  Who knows?  But we're meeting Mimi for lunch this afternoon.  Could be a quick lunch...

Last night we went to see Eric's students play at a local bookstore.  Everyone wanted to meet Vivi, of course.  Some people got smiles, most people got looks of terror or tears.  She's dramatic and antisocial.  

Anyhow, now that I've aired my woes, let me assure you that my child does have many redeeming qualities.  

She's cute as a button.  Seriously, those cheeks!  That smile!  The way she kicks her tiny feet in excitement!  

We love watching Vivi's wheels turn.  She carefully analyzes everything.  When she plays, it seems like she's trying to figure out how her toys work.  In the bathtub, she likes it when I strain water onto her belly.  Her face becomes serious as she tries to grab the water drops.  Anything that crinkles gets her attention.  I'm constantly wrestling her diaper wipes away from her.  

She's becoming interested in books.  She likes sitting with me and Madeline to read stories.  Mostly she likes to turn the pages or chew on the corner of the book.  

Sweet Vivi, I hope we can get all the tummy and skin problems worked out.  You're such a little trooper.  

The Fog

Something strange happens to my brain after birthing babies.  I call it the fog.  Everything is a little fuzzy.  Some emotions are numbed, while others (like anxiety) become heightened.  I can't think clearly, or relax, or see the humor in ridiculous situations like I normally do.  I'm simply not myself.

The weirdest part of the fog is that I don't realize that I'm in it until after it's gone.  Then I suddenly snap out of it, look at my life, and it's as if the past five months never happened.  There's just hazy, fuzzy, outlines of memories.  Even my entire pregnancy is a blur, which is strange cause it sure felt like it went on forever at the time.  

Does this make sense to anyone else?  It's such a hard feeling to describe, but other mothers must feel the same way.  I suspect it has something to do with functioning in survival mode on little sleep with an infant.  I suspect it has a lot to do with hormones.  

The fog wasn't quite as thick this time around as it was after Madeline's birth.  Back then, I felt completely lost in my new role as a mother.  I didn't know what to do with myself or my baby at all.  

This time, there were a lot less tears, but there were new side effects.  For example, my feelings toward Madeline became oddly complicated in my postpartum state.  I felt like I lost her.  That by having my new baby, my old baby ceased to exist.

 In a way, this was true, but it went beyond the simple fact that I now had two kids instead of one.  She seemed like a completely different person to me.  A stranger.  I felt like our bond was broken.  I was worried that I didn't have it in me to be a good mother to both my girls.  

It sucked!  And Eric spent a lot of nights listening to me lament, "Cats are better mothers than I am!"  To his credit, he assured me that I was better than a cat.  

Then a few weeks ago, I was playing with Maddie in the yard, laughing, being silly, and I thought, "Oh, the old Madeline's back!" 

Of course, Madeline had been there all along.  It was me that was gone. The fog was preventing me from truly seeing her in all her Maddie Bear glory.  

Now, our relationship is back to normal. I understand her again.  I feel connected to her again.  Her behavior, and mine, is better because we've all settled into our new roles.  I no longer worry about our bond being broken.

Meanwhile, I look at Vivi and scratch my head.  I know she's almost six months old, but where did this baby come from?  

She's just starting to develop a personality.  And although she's hardly left my side since she was born, I'm only beginning to get to know my littlest girl.  

The good news is now that the fog has lifted, I'm loving being home with my girls.  Sure, there are moments where I wish I could leave it all behind in exchange for a tall Piña Colada on a quiet beach, but in reality, I'm right where I want to be.  

This is why we've made the decision for me to stay home with the girls for one more year.  I've often said that with Madeline I wished my maternity leave had started when she was around nine months old.  Going back to work when she was three months old was a relief at first, but then the fog lifted, and I felt like I was missing out on so much.  

The next year will be a challenge in a lot of ways, and I'm a more than a little anxious about the prospect of going without a paycheck for over a year.  Eric and I can make it happen though.  This is my last chance to do this.  Once I go back to work, I'll never get the chance to stay home with my kids again.

And how can I pass up on these little faces?  We make seriously cute kids.

Behind the Scenes: May, 2014

Phew, May was a busy, busy month.  I had my Larry Bird-thay turning 33 at the beginning of the month.  Kinda scary.  The weather allowed us to get outdoors more days than not.  The post-partum fog is clearing, which allows me to function like a (mostly) normal human being again.  I love spring!

Here's what we've been up to:

We got Madeline her first big-girl bike at a town sale.  She insists on riding it side-saddle, but I don't think that's how bikes work, Maddie Bear...

We explored nature with Mimi...

We (okay, I) took a lot of selfies...

We read a lot of Roald Dahl.  Madeline is simultaneously bewildered and bewitched with his Vile Verses.  

We had picnics at Minute Man State Park...

We celebrated birthdays and Mother's Day with family...

 We visited many playgrounds...

 Some were scarier than others.

 We traveled to Western Massachusetts where we climbed tall towers...

Some of us only made it to the first level...(where we took yet another selfie.)

And where we bed and breakfasted with Aunt Carol and Uncle Kevin.

We hugged a lot of trees...

We practiced standing up!  

We visited Newburyport...

And shared toys...

We tried bananas and apples...

We planted flowers...

We asked to have our picture taken in front of religious garden statues...

We visited the old Benson's Animal Kingdom where you used to be able to ride elephants... 

And Madeline started writing her name (sorta) without me...(She spells it MADL)  

Goodbye, May.  You were swell.  Time to bring on summer!