Little Sisters are Obnoxious

Big Sister is playing Legos.  I'm gonna totally mess with her.

 That was hilarious, right?  

Let me do it again.

What?  Why are you telling me "no-no"?  This is hilarious.

Watch more closely this time.  You'll get it.

See?!  Bwhahaha. Oh my God....so hilarious.

But seriously, Maddie.  I want in on this action.

 ...

What part of "I want to eat them," don't you understand?  Gimme some Legos! 

Dude, you're really not gonna let me eat them?

Haha.  She's mad at me.

Fine.  I didn't want to play with your stupid Legos anyway.

 Then again...

The Best of Bayside

I watched Lifetime's drama The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story last night.  It was bad.  Really bad.  I mean I knew going into it that it was going to be just awful, but it wasn't the kind of awful I was hoping for.  Based on the way the movie was promoted, I was expecting to see the cast doing lines of cocaine off each other's bellybuttons. Instead, literally nothing happens for two hours.  There are a few scenes where alcohol is consumed, and lips are locked...but that's it.  It even has an "and they all lived happily ever after" ending, which we all know is total BS.  Sure, half of the cast members turned out fine, but the rest...Jessie ruined her career making Showgirls.  Screech made a porno.  And Lisa's face?!  What has she done to her face?!

I may, or may not have, read Dustin Diamond's tell-all book Behind the Bell on which the Lifetime movie was based, so I had pretty high hopes going into last night's viewing.  Alas, most of Diamond's allegations were either watered down, or left out of the movie altogether.  I get it.  Diamond has since admitted that most of the book was a lie, and Lifetime certainly doesn't want to get itself sued.  But what a bust!  Totally killed my Monday night...I could have been sleeping!  SLEEPING!

Anyhow...sigh...I wrote the rest of this post yesterday afternoon when I was still bubbling over with anticipation.  (What a fool I was...)  I didn't get it finished in time to post it before the movie aired because I don't have Zack Morris' ability to freeze time whenever Vivi or Madeline need me.

.................................................................................................................................................................

Saved By The Bell was more than a cheesy, sub par Saturday morning program for the thousands of kids like me who were fans.  It was a promise.  A promise that the teen years that loomed before me were going to be freakin' epic.

Just think of the cast of characters: Zack Morris?  Hunk. A.C. Slater? Hunk. Kelly Kapowski?  Babe.  Lisa Turtle? Babe. Jessie Spano?  Smart babe. Screech?  Ridiculous, daft human being who still somehow manages to be surrounded by the most popular hunks and babes in the school.  How could high school possibly be bad?

And beyond all that, it didn't matter how many times those crazy kids crashed the principal's car, or stole the rival team's mascot, or sold calendars of half-naked, under-aged girls without their consent...Zack always got away with it.  Smooth.  So damn silky smooth.  

Of course, we all know that life turned out nothing like Saved By The Bell.  High school mostly sucks and is filled with nothing but pimply awkward teenagers who make one another miserable.  Besides, by the time I actually became a teenager, the grunge movement had wiped out the neon-tinged optimism of Bayside High.  Sure, the likes of Jordan Catalano of My So Called Life was still a hunk, but he was a moody, aloof, angst-ridden hunk who in no way resembled Zack Morris except in terms of pure bangability.

Saved By The Bell was a lie, but it was a beautiful lie.  And thanks to endless hours of syndication, it's one that has spanned generations.  Today's high school students may not know who Maya Angelou, Gandhi, or Julia Roberts are, but you can be damn sure that they know the name Zack Morris.   

Tonight, Lifetime airs its Saved by the Bell biopic based on Dustin Diamonds tell-all book Behind the Bell.  I'm not too proud to admit that I read that book, (thanks Carol) and it was just as amazingly awful as you could imagine.  I'm hoping tonight's movie can do the book justice.

In honor of this momentous event, I've been thinking of Saved by the Bell's most memorable episodes.

Here's my initial brainstorm:
I'm so excited; I'm so scared
The sprain
U2 tickets at the mall
Just Say No
Zack and Kelly break up
Zack's creepy poster of Kelly
Zack Attack dream sequence
Elvis head
Miss Bayside
Punky Brewster
Volley Ball Tournament

And here's my final ranking:

(I had to look up the actual episode titles and some of the plot synopses because I'm not completely psychotic and have other interests in life beyond Saved by the Bell.  Honest.) 

10. "Screech's Spaghetti Sauce" 

(AKA: Punky Brewster)

Screech gains fame and fortune from selling his delicious tomato sauce.  This doesn't make any sense at all because nobody wants to eat Screech's secret spaghetti sauce.  There's probably left-over robot parts and bits of pornstache in there.  Gross.  

A girl named Robin suddenly wants to date him, but we all know she's just after his spaghetti sauce fortune.  But wait!  That gold-digging little minx is non other than Punky Brewster.  That blew my mind back in elementary school.  Soleli Moon Frye...I salute you.  

9. Miss Bayside

Screech is entered in the Miss Bayside pageant as part of a bet between Zack and Slater.  Spoiler Alert: He wins.  Meanwhile, Jessie and Kelly boycott the pageant because...sexism, but eventually end up competing anyway.  In my head, I had this episode confused with the one where Kelly's face turns maroon, but I think that's the contest for homecoming queen.  There were just too many contests for these people to ruin for the rest of the student population.  

This episode perfectly captures the inner essence of each character.  Screech is a loser who talks to his homemade robot more than real people, but he still has a heart of gold.  Zack is a smooth-talking hunk with a total sleazy streak.  Slater plays the drums, wears bright neon shirts, and flexes his muscles a lot...and they are spectacular.  Jessie is a feminist. (Except for that time she became a stripper after high school.  That's where those caffeine pills will get ya, kids.) Kelly is sweet, and a total babe, but pretty much just does what people tell her to do because she's not known for her brains. Lisa doesn't care about feminism.  She likes to shop. 

8. "House Party"

(AKA: Elvis Head)

You hear the title, "House Party," and you imagine things are about to get real for the Bayside crew right?  But no. Screech's parents go out of town, so the boys decide to have a guy's night at his house.  A guy's night means they sing "Barbra Ann" in their skivvies a la Risky Business.  The girls (including nerdy Tori Spelling) catch them dancing and laugh their asses off at them because wouldn't you?  

They end up breaking Screech's mother's prized Elvis statue, and invent some elaborate scheme to raise enough money to buy a replacement.  But none of that is really important.  The "Barbra Ann" scene is what makes this episode memorable.  

Also, Screech's mother is crazy, but that's not really surprising considering her son spends all his time building robot slave armies and repeatedly hitting on Lisa even though she's told him off in a million different ways.  

7. All In the Mall

(AKA: "U2 tickets at the mall")

The gang (except Jessie "too busy pushing caffeine pills" Spano) stands in line to buy U2 tickets at the mall.  They find a box of cash which they decide to keep in order to scalp tickets. After noticing two thugs eyeing them suspiciously, they assume they've involved themselves in some serious criminal activity and freak out.  Spoiler Alert: They're on Candid Camera and end up winning U2 tickets.  

This is a classic example of a Saved by the Bell episode.  Screech is dumb and ruins their plans.  Slater and Zack are boss.  Lisa and Kelly buy shoes.  They disguise themselves as mannequins to fool the thugs. Bad behavior, like keeping money that isn't theirs, is rewarded when they are given exactly what they wanted all along.  It's just so ludicrous.  

Plus, I always liked that they camped at the mall for the night.  What really went on inside that tent?  Perhaps Lifetime can shed some light on that situation.  (It didn't...) 

6. No Hope with Dope

(AKA: Just Say No)

Rockstar Johnny Dakota decides to film an anti-drug commercial at Bayside and falls for Kelly Ka-POW-ski because, duh, babe.  The gang is pretty star struck till they catch Johnny smoking some doobies at a party and tell Mr. Belding on him like a bunch of nerdy narcs.  People with caffeine pill habits should not throw stones...

I can eyeroll my way through this episode as an adult, but I totally ate it up as a kid.  I was so proud of Kelly for not giving in to temptation.  See, kids, you don't have to do drugs to be cool!  

5. King of The Hill

(AKA: Creepy Poster of Kelly)

This early episode shows how Zack and Slater first met and focuses on their rivalry for Kelly's affections. They basically spend the entire episode pounding on their chests and doing mating dances in Kelly's line of sight. (We always knew Zack would win.  Slater's dimples are cute, but Morris has the hair of a man who always comes out on top.) 

I like the early episodes where Zack and Slater hate each other, and I never understood why Slater didn't eventually get together with Kelly.  Zack hooked up with everyone.  Every. Last. One...

However, the real reason this episode stands out in my mind is due to the life-sized poster of Kelly hanging in Zack's bedroom.  Hey, creeper...

Whatever, little Zack is still pretty adorable.  And Kelly Ka-POW-ski?!  Babe. Total babe.  

4. "Rockumentary"

(AKA: Zack Attack Dream Sequence)

Zack dreams that his band, Zack Attack, (guess who got to name the band?) makes it big.  The whole episode is presented as a documentary of the rise and fall of their fame.  Zack becomes so egotistical that he eventually leaves the group.  However, he realizes the error of his ways and makes up with his friends in time for a reunion concert.  

They sing a terrible song called "Friends Forever" that is kinda so bad that it's good.  Ya know? And yes, Zack, friends are forever, except for that time you kissed Lisa in front of Screech...or that time he kissed Jessie while she was still dating Slater...or...you know...basically any time he uses his friends to make a quick buck.  

3. Dancing to the Max 

(AKA: "The Sprain")

Ah-ha! So this was the very first episode beyond the Miss Bliss years! (Anyone else every wonder if Zack Morris really is Miss Bliss...kinda like Fight Club?)  Casey Kasem mysteriously hosts a dance contest at The Max, and surprise, surprise, the only Bayside students to enter are our limelight-hogging main characters.  Zack and Slater fight over Kelly Ka-POW-ski.  Jessie teaches Zack to dance.  Screech and Lisa end up winning after Lisa sprains her ankle and they invent a brilliantly titled dance called "the sprain."  

I like this one because Zack and Slater challenge each other to a dance-off to win Kelly as their partner.  A dance off???  Dude, only in my dreams have two gorgeous heterosexual men had a dance off over me.  Kelly Kapowski is one lucky piece of cheerleading ass.  I also vividly remember Jessie's nightmare about being too tall to date any high school boys.  She's like a caffeine-pill-addicted Alice in Wonderland.  

2. The Last Dance 

(AKA: Zack and Kelly break up)

Kelly cheats on Zack with her jerk-faced, college-boy boss, Jeff, causing her to dump preppy's ass at the dance.  

This episode broke my fourth-grade heart in a million pieces.   She sobs, "It wasn't supposed to be this way.  Not for us..." while Slater and Jessie sing "How am I supposed to live without you? Now that I've been loving you for so long..." in the background.  Tear jerker.  

Kelly, how could you?!  You two were meant to be!    And then Jeff latter gets caught cheating on Kelly, so it was all for nothing.  Jeff and his stupid face...  

1. Jessie's Song 

(AKA: I'm so excited; I'm so scared) 

Jessie becomes addicted to caffeine pills trying to maintain her status as the most pretentious ass-hat in all of Bayside.  Eventually she breaks down in Zack's arms singing, "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so scared..." and thus makes history.

If a person has somehow managed to block out all knowledge of this series, she will know about this scene nonetheless.  I still sometimes mimic Jessie after my second cup of coffee in the mornings.  But seriously, guys, addiction to caffeine pills is no laughing matter.



So there you have it.  I just spent way too much time on this.  You have no idea.

What are your most memorable episodes?  

Letters to Maddie Bear: August, 2014

Dear Madeline,

This is the last letter I will write to you as a three year old.  How bananas is that?  

Four years is not a lot of time. Some days I can't believe that the child standing before me is you.  But at the same time, you're so much an essential part of our lives that it doesn't seem possible that you've only been here for four years. How did the world manage to spin before there was a Maddie Bear?  How did the sun manage to rise?  

A year ago, I predicted that three would be an important year for you, and it has been.  Not only did you become the world's greatest big sister, but you've grown in so many new and exciting ways.  You're taller and leaner.  Your baby curls have gone.  You can communicate what you're thinking and feeling without resorting to tantrums.  You remember the past and dream about the future.  

For example, you want to be a mumma when you grow up.  Sometimes you choose a career like a doctor, a chef, a teacher, or a pilot instead, but you always add, "A pilot and a Mumma."  

One of your favorite games is to pretend that you are a grownup visiting me at my house with your babies.  You enter the room on your mouse scooter, two dolls tucked under your arms, and tell me how the traffic was.  Then you ask me how my day is going, introduce your babies, and tell me to make them some mac n' cheese.  I hope you visit often when you really are a grownup.  I'll even make mac n' cheese.  

You're incredibly interested in the natural world.  Outer space and the human body  fascinate you the most.  Sometimes you draw me pictures of bones, veins, and brains.  Today you brought me a page full of scribbles and said, "Mumma, I drew your blood. Wanna hang it up?"  It's now hanging on the fridge.

We went to The Museum of Science in Boston a few weeks ago where you got to assemble a life-sized replica of a female body.  I thought you'd be freaked out when the lady handed you a giant kidney and instructed you to place it in the body cavity.  Nope.  You were so into it.  You didn't move until the final organ was placed.  

You're also very curious about how things are made.  How's bread made, Mumma?  How are people made, Mumma?  How are leaves made, Mumma? 

It's so incredibly cool that you're interested in these things. You are so, so smart.  

Legos are your favorite toy.  You make jails, houses, airplanes, and dinosaurs out of them.  The other day you played with nothing but Legos from morning to night. Dada loves it!  

We have two new girls around your age living across the street.  You adore them. They yell hello to you from the windows of their house, and you call right back.  It's super cute.  

You're still not quite sure how to interact with other kids sometimes.  You're a little bit shy, and a little bit confused by the games they want to play.  They seem confused by you too.  I sometimes worry about your gentle spirit.  You don't have any meanness in you, and you're a little too willing to be bossed around.  

However, we were very proud to witness you stand up for yourself while playing with a boy from the neighborhood a few days ago.  He kept trying to put you in "prison," and eventually you got right up in his face and roared at him.  Then he pretended to take all your powers away, and you very sassily replied, "Well, I've got even more frozen powers!"  Gender politics at the preschool level, and you go girl!

Finally, we went shopping for fall clothes the other day, and you're still wearing the same shoe size as you were last year.  In clothing, you're all over the place.  I bought skirts in size 2T so they'd fit around the waist, pants in 4T for the length, and shirts in 5T so they'd cover your belly.

You've been taking naps on the couch all week, and you haven't napped regularly since last fall.  I think you may be growing.  Hope we didn't jump the gun on those new shoes...

I'm always so proud of you, so awed by you, so humbled by the responsibility of caring for you.  You've taught me much more than I've ever taught you, my beautiful, brilliant little girl.  

Love,

Mumma

Parenting, Currently

This is what I'm currently staring at:

That's M's polka-dotted bum in the air as she stands on her head.  She's been doing this for the past twenty minutes instead of sleeping.  I'm surprised she hasn't passed out from all the blood rushing to her head.  

 I have a sneaking suspicion that she's mooning me on purpose.  She knows how badly I want her to go to sleep.  She knows how much it annoys me when she won't let her body be calm at bedtime.  And she knows that there's not a damn thing I can do about it cause I'm nursing Vivi and don't want to risk waking her up to admonish Madeline.  

She knows.  She knows it all.  Asses up, ma!  Your move!  

Vivi: Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four & Thirty-Five Weeks

Wow, I let myself get way behind writing Vivi's weekly updates.  Second child syndrome rears its ugly head!  Sorry, Vivi.

Vivi wants to crawl so badly.  She's still not sure how to get one of her knees out behind her.  Instead she rocks her body back and forth while she leans forward on her hands like she's getting ready to launch.  In the meantime, she's figured out how to scoot about without crawling.  She moves all around the playroom to reach the toys she wants.  She arms crawls backwards when she's on her tummy.  Pretty soon everything will click in place, and she'll be following me around the house instead of crying every time I put her down.  Also, I better start cleaning the floors more often.

Sleep is becoming a real issue.  Her patterns are getting worse instead of better.  In April, she was starting to sleep for eight-hour stretches, and she took two solid naps a day.  Now, she wakes up two to three times during the night, and she very rarely naps unless it's a quick snooze while she nurses.

I know she would be a much happier baby if she were better rested, we're just struggling to find a way to make that happen.  We had a plan of action for Madeline, but we're having a hard time finding something that works well for Vivi.  Anyone have any tips?

She's been eating her  cocktail of prunes, juice, oatmeal, and laxatives every day, and it's still working.  We haven't had any more tummy troubles since starting the medication.  Now that she's not getting backed up every time she eats, I've been able to give her more solids.  She likes getting food other than prunes!   

On the other hand, Vivi's eczema has been terrible over the past month.  It's spreading to her chest, but her ankles and the backs of her knees are still the worst areas.

I opened her pajamas one morning while we were in Vermont to find her covered in an unsightly itchy, red rash, so we brought her to a walk-in clinic at a local hospital.  Guess what?  She's allergic to her eczema cream...her hypoallergenic, fragrance free, dye free, National-Eczema-Association- recommended baby moisturizer.  This was the second hypoallergenic brand we've tried that she reacted poorly to.  So...yeah...there's that.

We met with the GI specialist yesterday, and while he was pleased with her weight gain, (15 lbs, 10th percentile) he was worried by her rash.  She has so many strange symptoms even though I've changed my diet.  And while her tummy is getting better, it's taking two daily medications to get there.  

In a round-about way, he basically told me to switch to formula.  Breastfeeding is best, but not if it's continuously making my baby uncomfortable.  He suggested I pump while we add in more formula to see if her symptoms improve.  That way, I won't loose my supply if the formula doesn't work out.  

Even before we saw the doctor, I wanted to start adding in formula.  First, I'm worried that my supply isn't keeping up with Vivi's demands.  There's been a lot of biting and pulling and fussing while eating recently.  Secondly, as the doctor suggested, I wanted to see if it helped her out.

Eric buckled down and really tried to get her to take a bottle of her hypoallergenic formula this week.  The first few times she wasn't having it, but eventually, she gave in.  Yesterday she had two bottles without incident.  We'll continue to gradually add in more bottles over the next week before Eric goes back to work.  Then we'll have to see if she'll take a bottle from me.  We'll see.

It's funny.  I thought I was better prepared to have a baby the second time around, and in a lot of ways I am, but this baby just keeps throwing more surprises my way.  Parenthood is one giant experiment.

Vivi's First Ice Cream (Sorbet)

We've all heard the sob stories of the second child.  Not only does Vivi miss out on ever having mom and dad to herself, but all her toys are hand-me-downs, and everyone is much less impressed with her milestones.  Like...Oh, you rolled over?  Well bully for you, kid.  Your big sister can do simple math.  Why don't you learn to do that, then we'll talk.

But there's one thing she didn't miss out on: Maddie's first taste of ice cream was at Ben & Jerry's, and Vivi's first taste of ice cream was at Ben & Jerry's.  (To see Maddie's first trip to the ice cream gods, see here.)

Dairy allergy be damned! Only the finest for my girls!

 When we visited the Ben & Jerry's factory in Vermont last week, I was not planning on sharing my mango sorbet with God or anyone.  I certainly wasn't considering letting Vivi, who seems to be allergic to air, try any.

But as soon as the cone entered her line of sight, it was love.  It would be hers.  Oh yes, it would be hers. And so I tried, in vain, to wrestle her greedy, nugget-y hands away from it.  Her feet kicked in anticipation, her fingers dove into the sorbet, her mouth opened like a baby bird, and she nearly wiggled herself away from me.

I caved.  I held the cone up to her mouth and let her slobber all over it.  

Boy, did she love it.  I mean, she really loved it.  I have never seen her so excited about food before.  Every time I pulled the cone away from her lips, she grunted in frustration.  She was so enthusiastic that she kept taking giant bites only to find she couldn't handle holding so much frozen food in her gums and spitting it back out.

I watched her carefully for the rest of the day in case she turned out to be allergic to mango, but she was fine.  So fine, in fact, that we visited a different Ben & Jerry's the next night to repeat the scene for my parents.

Madeline saw Vivi's enthusiasm for mango sorbet, and decided she needed to have the same flavor.  It was a hit with her too!

Needless to say, I bought a whole mess of mangoes at the supermarket today.  Mango puree coming to a baby near you!

It's a Sunny Day on the Farm

Vivi has a Fisher Price "book" about farm animals that talks and sings.  Your child may also have this book, and if so, I'm sorry.  It opens with the line, "It's a sunny day on the farm," followed by, "It's time to play with our animal friends!"

However, Madeline always says, "It's time to cook our animal friends!" instead. (She likes to pretend that it's a cookbook.)  At first I was worried by her desire to cook the cute baby animals, but meh...she's right.

While in Vermont, we visited Shelburne Farms right outside of Burlington.  Madeline was petting some sheep, and I asked when they would be shorn.  The teenage farm hand whispered, so as not to upset the children, that these sheep were for eating, not wool.  Sorry, Lambchop...

Across the barnyard, we saw some adorable piglets napping amongst a pumpkin patch.  Every few feet, there was another tiny piglet hidden beneath the vines with the remnants of half-eaten pumpkins strewn about them.  This was really adorable.  Also, pumpkin-fed pigs probably make excellent bacon.  As do the acorn-fed turkeys living next to the piglets.

Sleep soundly, little pig.

I obviously know where meat comes from, and if I had my choice, I would much rather my food live a happy life amongst a pumpkin patch than a miserable existence in some giant stockyard.  Yet, from my position in suburbia, it's pretty easy to forget that farms are not just some cute place to visit with the kids.  It's time to cook our animal friends indeed, Maddie Bear.  How right you are.

Anyhow...now that I've left you with these thoughts...here are some cute pictures of my family.

Shelburne Farms is immense.  There's a wagon that brings visitors around the property, but we missed the ride when we first got there.  Rather than wait for the next wagon, we decided to walk the half-mile to the barnyard.

We saw some (slightly creepy) statues along one of the paths, and then realized that with the right stick, they were really instruments.

That's the barnyard in the background.  It looks like a fortress.  It now houses the children's barn, cheese making, a bakery, a wood smith, and a school.  Oh, how I would love to send Madeline and Vivi to that school so that they will be able to live off the land should the zombie apocalypse come upon us.  

Chickens roam the barn freely, so there's an area to leave any eggs visitors may find.  There were lots of kiddos chasing chickens, but Maddie was all set with that.  

She had no problem riding the tractor in the play room however...

Oh, dear God, they're not acorn-fed people....are they???

We got some goodies from the bakery.  I call this next photo, "No, You May Not Have My Cookie, Vivienne!"

And this one is called, "Fine, I'll Just Eat Some Grass Instead."  

When we were done visiting the barn, we (or rather I) decided it would be a good idea to hike to the top of a hill to admire the view.  Eric was carrying the baby, so why not?

The flowers were worth it...

The view was worth it.

Madeline took this next one.  

If you ever find yourself in this area of the globe, I can't recommend this place enough.  We didn't even see the inn, of which there are tours complete with afternoon tea.  How Downton Abbey is that?!  Next time...