SAHM I Am

Freshly showered, but wearing a big, pink bathrobe.  Also, note Christmas tree in background.  Also, Madeline turns out blurry in 75% of the pictures we take of her.  Could she possible be a vampire baby?

Today is another snow day for me!  Sadly, Eric is at work.  It's me and the peanut today....just like old times!

Last night, as we obsessively watched the school closings scrolling across the television, I was crossing my fingers for Eric to have the day off too.  It wasn't because I wanted to spend time with him...although I do. For some reason, the thought of staying home alone with Madeline was a little bit frightening.  This may seem odd.  After all, I did it nearly every day for close to four months.

But just a few days into life as an out-of-the-house working mom, I feel like I've already forgotten how to use my stay-at-home-mom muscles.  That's because it's no joke when you hear people say that being a stay-at-home mom is the toughest job in the world.

There is no break.  There are no other grownups to share a conversation with. There is no plump pay check at the end of the week.  It's just you and a demanding little bundle of love who thinks she is the center of the universe.  (Which she is...obviously.)  

For example, in my brief stint at a SAHM, I learned that I can go two days without showering without it being much of an issue.  Day three?  It starts to become an issue.  Day four?  Let's not talk about day four, but I've been there...more than once.  

And why did I go four days without a shower?  I mean, surely, there had to have been five minutes in the day somewhere where you could have bathed yourself, Summer!  Nope.

Time evaporates rapidly when you're a SAHM.  I don't know where it goes.  It's one of the world's greatest mysteries.  Still, before I'd know it, it would be four p.m. and I would still be in my pj's...the same pj's I put on last Monday.

Which is why I always laughed to myself when people would give me suggestions of things to do while I was home on leave.  Silly things like...reorganize your closet.  I smell like I haven't showered in four days, and I'm supposed to suddenly care where my shoes end up?!  I only watched three Netflix movies the entire time I was home.  Catching up with old episodes of my favorite TV shows, as many people suggested, was out of the question.  People without children tend to think that staying at home means sitting on the couch watching the telly all day.  Not so.  

But, time isn't really the important issue here. The emotional side of caring for an infant is something I can't even begin to describe.  Let's just say that as happy as you are to have a baby, you are just as depressed to have a baby.  You have no choice; it's hormonal.    

 A young man recently asked me if having a newborn was something like Hell.  I honestly told him that, for me, yes it was.  And all you ladies out there who are eagerly looking forward to having a child soon, don't try to convince yourselves that you will be different.  I know you think that babies have rainbows shooting out of their bums and taste like sugar dumplings so it can't really be that bad.  Sorry, it is.  Sometimes, it's absolute hell.  

 You see, there was a time when I angrily wondered why nobody had taken me aside and explained how hard this was going to be before I had a baby.  Then I realized it would have been pointless because I wouldn't have listened.  I see the same starry-eyed looks in the eyes of soon-to-be mothers that I had when I was expecting.  No shred of reality is getting through that wall of delusional dreams.  You won't and can't understand just how hellish it is until you're in it.

On the bright side?  It's a hell of your own choosing. In spite of the difficulties, there is no place else I would have rather been than home with my little imp during those first few difficult months.  She is the best thing in the world.  However, if you had spoken to me about this two months ago, I might have had a different opinion.  

As you start to get the hang of things, and you get more sleep, the memories of those dark days start rapidly fading away.  If I don't get this all down in writing now, it will soon be too late.  A year from today all I will remember will be how divine she looked when she smiled, and how itty-bitty her clothes were, and how sweetly she slept through dinner when we took her out to restaurants.  I won't remember the bad parts at all, and I'll probably start trying to convince Eric that we should have another one.  Evolution is wise.  Otherwise, cave women would have left their babies in fields to be raised by the coyotes and the human race would never have existed.

As for today, so far Madeline has either been napping or smiling at me.  I haven't showered yet, but I'm sure I'll find the time today.  The dark days are over, and now that I'm back at work, I really miss staying at home with her.  I think I'll go wake her up and snuggle her now.