Tucked Away Memories

Every time Madeline draws a picture, she hangs it on the refrigerator with pride.  My kitchen is so cluttered with colorful squiggles, crude letter M's, princess stickers, and stamped handprints that one can barely tell that there's a refrigerator under the mess at all.  And so every few weeks, I sift through Madeline's masterpieces.  Most are placed discretely in the recycling bin, while the best of the bunch are tucked away in a box on top of our bookshelves for safekeeping.  

Meanwhile, Vivi outgrows clothing so quickly that I am constantly juggling what needs to be folded, donated, or discarded.  The most precious of her outfits are saved under her bed in a box that's identical to the one that holds Madeline's baby clothes.  

When the girls are grown, we'll open the lids and marvel that their feet were ever so tiny.  We'll smile at their early attempts at writing their names.  Favorite toys will bring up long-forgotten memories.  Some of the contents may be passed along to their own babies one day.  

Those boxes are mini museums housing the priceless artifacts of my children's lives.  And as the years pass, more and more boxes are stored under our beds, in the back of our closets, on the top of dusty shelves.  

But there's one box, safely nestled in my nightstand, that is never added to and will never multiply.  Ellis Jane, who came into this world still, has just a handful of items to prove she existed.  Her box  contains an envelope of photographs, her footprints, hospital bands, the clothing the nurses dressed her in, which miraculously still smells like baby.  

I used to pour through the contents of this box daily, then weekly, then every now and again.  Six years later, I am almost reluctant to open her box and be drawn back into that place of sadness. 

So much has filled the space between then and now that six years feel like another lifetime ago.

But today is her birthday, and today I will let myself remember.  Tonight, when the girls are safely tucked in bed, I will open the lid, flip through the photographs, study the footprints, and let my fingertips smooth out the wrinkles of her tiny pink sweater.  I will feel sad, and grateful, and maybe even an odd kind of peace.  Then the lid will close till next year.  

We love you, Ellis Jane, our forever baby.  

Five Years

Our little daughter, Ellis Jane, was stillborn five years ago today.

There's a lot I remember in clear detail from that day.  Which stories were on the news, the way my fingers quickly swelled after giving birth, the smell of the knitted cap and sweater they dressed Ellis in.  Then there's so much that's a complete blur.  I don't remember the correct order of events...what rooms I was in, tests they did, or when Eric arrived.  I don't remember the weather that day even though I had a wall of windows in my room.  I don't remember the name or face of the nurse who took such good care of me during my stay.

Five years later, I find it so strange that even the biggest events of our lives, the ones that hurt and change us the most, eventually dull and fade like all the rest.  And there's so much to say, or not say, about losing Ellis, that I always struggle with where to start or end.  There's just too much jumbled in my mind to put down in
words.

All I know is that Ellis' existence has become a regular part of our lives.  It's no longer a sharp shock of pain to think of what happened.  And although I have so many regrets surrounding the days leading up to her birth, I also know that the current course of our lives would not be the same without what happened.  I no longer wish to turn back the hands of time to change the past.  That would mean wishing away everything we've built since losing her.

I look at Madeline and feel so lucky for all that I have.  Soon we'll be adding another child to love to our family if all goes well.  And I know it's because of my experiences with Ellis that I appreciate every kick, squirm, and roundness of my belly just a little bit more than I did five years ago.

Thank you, sweet Ellis for how you've helped be grow as a mother and as a person.  I'll always carry you in my heart.

Remembering Ellis

Four years ago today, our daughter, Ellis Jane, was stillborn.  

We remembered her today by releasing three pink balloons into the sky.  Madeline did the honors this year.  She called, "Bye, bye, balloons!" and waved up at the clouds.  

We watched them float higher, and higher, and higher.  At one point the balloons disappeared behind a cloud, but a few minutes later a tiny speck caught my eye in the sunlight, and there they were again.  I tried to point the speck out to Eric, but he couldn't see it.  So I continued watching until my eyesight grew blurry from squinting, and they were gone.  

On Naming Ellis Jane: Toddle Along Tuesday

Names are important to me.  With a name like Summer, I tend to dwell on names more than the average bear...I know how a name can earn you both positive and negative attention.  As a result, I skip straight over names that are too common.  At the same time, names like Moonbeam and Daffodil aren't appealing either.  A person named Summer can't name her child Daffodil.  That's just ridiculous.  

Luckily, choosing a name for our stillborn daughter, Ellis, was a very easy process.  

After batting around names for several hours one evening, Eric decided to turn to his wall of CDs for inspiration.  He went through the albums one by one, reading off the names on the spines.  We laughed at most, I crinkled my nose at some, and there were a few I deemed worthy enough to give a half-hearted maybe.  Baby Miles Davis?  Baby Hootie and The Blowfish?  Baby Ludwig?  Seriously?

Eventually, he called out, "Don Ellis."   Don was definitely out, and at first, I crinkled my nose at the idea of Ellis.  I was thinking of it as a boy's name, which instantly brought to mind a child with suspenders up to his armpits and a red cowlick.  But Ellis as a girl's name?  That brought to mind a girl who read poetry, could beat up the boys at recess, and could play guitar all while wearing pink nail polish.

At the time, I had no idea who Don Ellis was, but it made Eric happy to have a name with a connection to a musician he admired.  And when I typed the name into Google, I found out that Emily Bronte's pen name had been Ellis Bell, so it had a literary connection as well.  Bingo.

A few weeks later, when we found out we were indeed having a baby girl, we decided on the name Ellis almost immediately.

Her middle name, Jane, is one syllable, which I respect in a middle name, and was intended as a girly balance to the gender neutral Ellis.  Plus, I just really love the way the two names sound together.

The fact we came upon Ellis Jane so easily and early was a small blessing because when she was born still at 24 weeks, I took some comfort in the fact that she at least had a name.  Like I said, names are important.

Madeline Lee's name took longer to settle upon, mainly because I got bogged down in looking at every single baby name under the stars.  I also think I resisted the name for so long because although I love it, it  seems that every other baby born these days is named Madeline.  Of course, most of those babies pronounce it Madel-LYN, which is wrong, and drives me bonkers.

Still, Madeline fits her perfectly.  She's just such a little Madeline.  Maddie.  Maddie Bear.  She's a sweet, loving, gentle soul with a flair for the dramatic and a short fuse.

You can read more about Madeline's naming process here, here, and here.  Oh, and here.  And here...Ok, that's all.  I think...

Madeline in the oven, giving her Mumma Bear the finger....whatevs.  

I Saw The Sign...with Less Ace of Base

I'm not a deeply religious person, and rationally, I don't usually believe in signs.  Yet, from time to time, I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

It's usually the kind of thing where maybe I keep seeing the same person in uncanny places.  Or a lucky number shows up on the deli ticket.  Or maybe a song you have an emotional connection to comes on the radio on route to a first date.  

Well, today I felt like the universe was trying to speak to me on my way home from work.

As I daydreamed my way through traffic, I started thinking of Ellis.  This is not unusual in and of itself because she comes to my mind on a regular basis.  What was unusual, however, were the feelings that came rushing back along with my thoughts.

Imagine seeing a really terrifying movie for the fifteenth time.  It's still probably scary, but it just doesn't have the same emotional punch it did the first or second time you saw it.  That's how my feelings toward Ellis run these days.  I'm still obviously filled with regret and sadness about losing our daughter, but for the most part, I've put those demons to bed.  My feelings are no longer fresh or raw, and when I think back to that time, it feels like I'm looking at a different life through a telescope.

Except that's not how I felt today when I sat in traffic.  For just a moment, it felt like I got punched in the stomach all over again, and it could have been two and half years ago in that hospital room right that very second.  As I said, it only lasted a moment, and then it was gone.  It was just enough to make me shake my head, and think, "Hmmm, that's odd."  

I let my mind wander to other things, but the news and commercials on the radio kept reminding me of Ellis.  Small, insignificant things that probably wouldn't even make sense to anyone else but me.  For example, there was a story about a missing baby, which reminded me of Casey Anthony, which was on the news in my hospital room the day I delivered Ellis, so the conversation I had with my mother while that news story was on TV came flooding through my mind.  

But the real kicker happened when I was stopped at a traffic light in front of Madeline's school.  I was waiting for the light to turn green, staring blankly at the large delievery truck in front of my car.  It took me a minute to even realize it, but right there, in large green lettering, printed on the back of the truck was the word, "Ellis."

It didn't say Ellis Construction or Ellis Landscaping or anything like that....just Ellis.

Now granted, Ellis is a pretty common last name, and I've often seen it attatched to company logos and the like.  But keeping in mind the context of my thoughts only ten minutes earlier, and the fact that the truck was right in front of me, and the fact that it didn't say anything but that one, huge, bold-printed word...I took it as a sign.

A sign of what?  I don't know.   It just felt like for one moment that universe was trying to speak to me.

Ever get a feeling like that?

Light a Candle

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

In memory of our lost children, please light a candle tonight at 7 pm.

Much Love,
Summer

Ellis' Candle:

Ellis Jane

Ellis Jane was born three years ago today.

Time never ceases to blow my mind.

Miss you always, baby girl.  

March for Babies

Thank you everyone who helped make our March for Babies a success!!! 

Thanks to amazing fundraising efforts and generous donations from family and friends, our team raised over 3,000 dollars for the March of Dimes.  Totally Ahhhh-maaazzz-zing!

Mother Nature even cooperated by cooling it down....a bit.  Normally low 90s are enough to make me gag, but after a day with highs of 104 degrees, it didn't feel too bad.

So, we walked!  Technically, our team was the first to cross the finish line.  We cheated a little bit by taking an unintentional "shortcut," though in our defense, the trail was not well marked.  Since we were in the lead, the rest of the walkers took our shortcut too.  Just like lemmings over a cliff.  Ooops.

 We also got to spend a great weekend with Nana, Poppy and Aunt Co-co who came up from New York for the walk.  Pretty awesome!

Thanks again for making this year's walk a success, and for helping us honor the memory of Ellis Jane.  

Much Love,

Summer 

March for Babies Update

See this girl?

This is Eric's sister, Aunt Coco to the Maddie Bear, and she just raised a bazillion dollars for our March for Babies team.  She's awesome!

I'm completely blown away by people's generosity.  I set our team goal at $500.

As of two minutes ago? We've raised $1,125.  That puts our team as one of the top five Lowell family teams.  Holy Popsicle sticks!

As for me?  I've raised $90.  Although, as an excuse, many people have donated directly to the team instead of to me individually.  Still, I better get cracking.  If you'd like to sponsor me, you can click on the March for Babies button on my sidebar.  Any amount is greatly appreciated!

If you'd like to join us on the day of the walk...

Registration begins at 2:30, and the walk begins at 3:30.

There is a Lowell Spinners game starting at 5:30.  Anyone who raised $200 will recieve two tickets to the game if you want to stick around.

Our team will be celebrating with beers and food at a local restaurant afterwards.

All family and friends are welcome to walk with us whether you signed up as an official fundraiser or not.  The more the merrier!  It's a par-tay!

(And there ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party, and a Liz Lemon party is mandatory!)

March for Babies-Open Invitation

Hello My Beautiful Blog Stalkers,

Eric and I are participating in our local March for Babies this year, and we need your help!  

We march to remember our first-born daughter, Ellis, who was stillborn on September 23, 2008 after a seemingly routine 24-week pregnancy.

In the moments, days, weeks, and months after losing Ellis, one of my biggest struggles was my feeling of helplessness.  This was not something I could undo, fix, or change.  When I participated in the 2009 March for Babies it made me feel, in some small way, that I was doing something.

Last year, we didn't march because I was laid up doing this:

I'm so incredibly thankful for our beautiful, healthy daughter Madeline.  But, I don't want to forget Ellis, and I don't want to take for granted the fact that sadly not everyone goes home with a healthy baby.

Way too many babies are born too early in the United States.  The March of Dimes uses the money they raise to help prevent premature births and to fund new research.  For more information about The March of Dimes, visit their website at www.MarchforBabies.com  

March for Babies 2009

 So what's all this have to do with you???

We need walkers to join our family team.  Go Team Ellis Jane!  

As a walker, you would:  

• Walk with us on July 23. (Yes, I know, I know it's July and it will be hot outside, but three miles is nothing.  Then, we'll celebrate with food and alcoholic beverages in an air conditioned location when we've finished.)    
• Fundraise for the team by getting sponsors.  (You can pledge to raise as much or as little as you like.  If you want to raise ten dollars and then sponsor yourself....shhhhh....that's fine with me.  My attitude is that every little bit helps.)  
• You can sign up to walk for Team Ellis Jane here   

Please consider joining our team.  It will be a good opportunity to get some friends and family together for a good cause.  The more the merrier.  If we get enough people together, there may even be a t-shirt in it for you.  And who doesn't love a free t-shirt?  Am I right??  Also, the Maddie Bear will be there!

If you cannot commit to walking, there are other ways you can help.  

•  Please consider making a donation to our team.  Any amount is appreciated.  You can make a donation here  

And/ OR

• Simply spread the word about our team, or about March for Babies in general.  Send emails, post links on Facebook, hang up posters, gossip about it via text message.  

Any help of any kind would be greatly appreciated.

I'll be posting updates on team information and fundraising goals periodically as we get closer to the date of the march.

Thank you for your support!  It means a lot to us.  

Much Love,

Summer, Eric, and Madeline.

Mumma, Dadda, and Ellis Jane

Anniversary!

I just realized that today is my blogaversary!  My first post was on April 6, 2010.

Although, to be honest, this isn't my first blog.  I started my first "secret" blog after we lost Ellis Jane.  It was a really good outlet for me, and I met a lot of people going through the same thing as I was.  But eventually, I felt like I needed to move on.  There were only so many ways to say, "I lost my baby.  It sucks.  I'm sad."  It was no longer helpful or healthy for me.  So, I saved my old blog posts for my own memories, and deleted my first blog.  

I started this blog to keep family and friends updated on my pregnancy.  Now, Madeline is almost seven months old, and she already has a digital footprint.  I often wonder how long I'll keep this up.  Will I make Madeline hold that pink bunny when she graduates from high school?  Will I eventually get bored with blogging and just let it slip away?  Will my blog turn into something other than a "mommy blog" as Maddie grows older and our lives change?

At any rate, Our Little Baby has become a really fun hobby of mine.  It gives me a creative outlet and a place to vent.  It's connected me with other people.  Best of all?  I now have a priceless record of Madeline's life.  

Oh, Bloggy-Blog, where would I be without you?

And where would I be without you, sweet baby girl, wonder of wonders, love of my life?

Remembrance

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

In honor of our daughter, Ellis Jane, as well as the thousands of other tragic losses, we'll be lighting a candle tonight at 7 pm to join the "Lights of Love" International Wave of Light.

Those wishing to participate should light a candle at 7 pm in your time zone and leave it burning for one hour.  Your candle will be part of a continuous wave of light that will cross the globe for a 24 hour period in remembrance of our lost children.

Our candle burning for Ellis.  

Much love, and thank you for your participation.

Ellis Jane

In the midst of all our joy, I want to also remember our first-born daughter, Ellis Jane, who was born two years ago today.  


I can't believe it's been two years.  We love and miss you, sweet baby girl.