The Fog

Something strange happens to my brain after birthing babies.  I call it the fog.  Everything is a little fuzzy.  Some emotions are numbed, while others (like anxiety) become heightened.  I can't think clearly, or relax, or see the humor in ridiculous situations like I normally do.  I'm simply not myself.

The weirdest part of the fog is that I don't realize that I'm in it until after it's gone.  Then I suddenly snap out of it, look at my life, and it's as if the past five months never happened.  There's just hazy, fuzzy, outlines of memories.  Even my entire pregnancy is a blur, which is strange cause it sure felt like it went on forever at the time.  

Does this make sense to anyone else?  It's such a hard feeling to describe, but other mothers must feel the same way.  I suspect it has something to do with functioning in survival mode on little sleep with an infant.  I suspect it has a lot to do with hormones.  

The fog wasn't quite as thick this time around as it was after Madeline's birth.  Back then, I felt completely lost in my new role as a mother.  I didn't know what to do with myself or my baby at all.  

This time, there were a lot less tears, but there were new side effects.  For example, my feelings toward Madeline became oddly complicated in my postpartum state.  I felt like I lost her.  That by having my new baby, my old baby ceased to exist.

 In a way, this was true, but it went beyond the simple fact that I now had two kids instead of one.  She seemed like a completely different person to me.  A stranger.  I felt like our bond was broken.  I was worried that I didn't have it in me to be a good mother to both my girls.  

It sucked!  And Eric spent a lot of nights listening to me lament, "Cats are better mothers than I am!"  To his credit, he assured me that I was better than a cat.  

Then a few weeks ago, I was playing with Maddie in the yard, laughing, being silly, and I thought, "Oh, the old Madeline's back!" 

Of course, Madeline had been there all along.  It was me that was gone. The fog was preventing me from truly seeing her in all her Maddie Bear glory.  

Now, our relationship is back to normal. I understand her again.  I feel connected to her again.  Her behavior, and mine, is better because we've all settled into our new roles.  I no longer worry about our bond being broken.

Meanwhile, I look at Vivi and scratch my head.  I know she's almost six months old, but where did this baby come from?  

She's just starting to develop a personality.  And although she's hardly left my side since she was born, I'm only beginning to get to know my littlest girl.  

The good news is now that the fog has lifted, I'm loving being home with my girls.  Sure, there are moments where I wish I could leave it all behind in exchange for a tall Piña Colada on a quiet beach, but in reality, I'm right where I want to be.  

This is why we've made the decision for me to stay home with the girls for one more year.  I've often said that with Madeline I wished my maternity leave had started when she was around nine months old.  Going back to work when she was three months old was a relief at first, but then the fog lifted, and I felt like I was missing out on so much.  

The next year will be a challenge in a lot of ways, and I'm a more than a little anxious about the prospect of going without a paycheck for over a year.  Eric and I can make it happen though.  This is my last chance to do this.  Once I go back to work, I'll never get the chance to stay home with my kids again.

And how can I pass up on these little faces?  We make seriously cute kids.