Return of the Baby Fat

While flipping through the channels on TV one night about a month ago, I noticed that the programing on TLC consisted of "Obese and Pregnant" followed by "Obese and Expecting."   I didn't actually watch either of these shows, so if anyone knows what the difference between the two of them is, please fill me in.  I could be wrong, but they seem to both be about obese people who also happen to be pregnant.

Since I had just polished off an order of crab Rangoon...cough...by myself...don't judge...I had the sinking feeling that the television might be speaking to me personally.

Some women can gracefully waddle through pregnancy in a pair of JCrew maternity skinny jeans that emphasize their long legs and perfectly round baby bump. God bless those women, but mostly I just want to punch them in the face. Because me pregnant? I look like a walking sweet potato.

This is partially due to genetics. Even at a fit 120 lbs, (Not that I remember what that was like.) I sport some heafty cankles. It's not so bad though since those cankles help support my sturdy school marm legs and bodacious thighs. The term, I believe, is pear shaped.

But my overall roundness is also caused by the fact that I'm pregnant, and I'm going to eat cake...or Rangoon...if I feel like it, dammit! Now, leave me alone, TLC.

In spite of my love for Chinese take out, I'm certainly not ready to audition for "Obese and Pregnant." And while I may not be gracing the cover of Fit Pregnancy anytime soon either, I think I qualify as normal and healthy. But damn, it feels weird watching your body blow up like that blueberry chick's from Willy Wonka. And damn, there is a lot of pressure to make one's pregnant blueberry body look as perfect as possible.

Wasn't there a period in time where pregnant people went into confinement? Why'd we stop doing that? Sometimes the thought of being tucked away from public eyes to grow fatter in peace seems pretty good.

For example, someone pointed out that my belly button was popping through my shirt the other afternoon. That was just what I wanted to hear seconds before facing a room of twenty high school freshmen. Cause if it's not awkward enough that they know where babies come from, now they can see my belly button too. Bring on the shapeless maternity sacks of yore, I say!

But no. Pregnant women had to go ahead and liberate their bodies because the miracle of life is "beautiful." This wouldn't be a problem because pregnancy IS beautiful in its own bloated, life-creating way, but the images of pregnant women we hold ourselves up to are far from normal. I blame you, Demi Moore. Heidi Klum, don't think I've forgotten you either. And you, Beyonce. (I'd blame Kate Middleton as well, but she's just too pretty to hold a grudge against.) It's easy to be pregnant, proud, and half naked when you look like that. If I were them, I wouldn't wear clothes at all...ever.

So, now we live in a world of extremes. On one hand, we're bombarded with maternity bikinis, postpartum celebrity weight loss secrets, and pregnancy books that advise against consuming dairy because it will make you fat. You know what else will make you fat? Being pregnant...

Meanwhile, celebrities like Jessica Simpson and Kim Kardashian are plastered on the cover of tabloids so that we may laugh, "Bwahaha! Look at those fat, pregnant bitches!" But, oh, wait a second...that's pretty much what I look like pregnant. (Except without the designer clothing and professional makeup artists to help take the attention away from my eye bags.)

Which, in a very round about way, brings me back to shows like "Obese and Pregnant" which highlight the other extreme. As a pregnant lady it seems you either must strive for Heidi Klum perfection or risk being unhealthily overweight. And seriously, why does this show even exist? To warn of the dangers of being overweight and pregnant? Okay, well I'm pretty sure obese women already are aware of the health risks associated with their weight. And what about all the not-obese and/or not-pregnant people watching? Is it just more of the morbid obsession we currently have about weight gain, and more specifically, weight gain while growing a human? Is it so we can judge? Feel better about the carton of crab Rangoon we may, or may not, have just eaten?

As for me, I'll continue to balance my chocolate cake with some healthier choices, listen to what my body needs, and try not to worry too much about the girth of my canckles. Above all, I will remind myself that it's normal to look like a sweet potato when pregnant. I may also wear some muumuus and look into the possibility of teaching via video conferencing so teenagers stop staring at my belly button.